I just realized that no one is really "beautiful."

Go to google.com and type, between quotations, "celebrities without makeup." You’ll see what I mean. Can’t even recognize some of them. Avril Lavigne is a dog. She doesn’t even look like the girl from the music videos, the one with so much eyeliner on it’s coming out her pores. She looks more like the pasty nerd from sophomore year.

With the proper lighting and a team of hair and makeup experts, you too can look just as fucktastic as Angelina Jolie. And without them, Angelina Jolie looks just as grosstastic as you.

Think about it. We, human beings, homo erectus (heh–erectus), are just another species of animal. Like horses, like cats. And have you ever seen a cat that was "THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAT EVER"? Or a horse that was "SEXIEST HORSE OF THE YEAR"? No . . . we’re just so up-our-own-asses with evolutionary greatness, we think the homo sapien body actually operates on a scale of attractiveness. It doesn’t. Not any moreso than any other species.

Like apes, our faces look pretty much the same. The only things that can really change our appearance, and not even drastically: weight, hair, and skin.

It’s like comparing a fat cat and a thin one.
A horse with a healthy mane to a horse with mange.
That’s really the only way there is any difference in appearance.

Beautiful people are not more beautiful than anyone else.

You know what’s also funny about our glitterati?

That coke is such a glamour drug.

Coke gives you the shits.

HA!

So next time someone makes a bitter jest about Paris Hilton being a living, breathing cocaine processing plant . . . don’t picture her doing lines off of crystal tables gilded with the skin of Indonesian child laborers. That’s just the stereotype, not the reality. It doesn’t get sprinkled in wine glasses, nor delivered by fairies.

The reality is Paris excusing herself quickly so she can blow this fecal load before it makes her look bloated in the Versace piece she’s wearing.

Next time someone comments on how hot Johnny Depp is?

Picture him sweating and squating on a fucking toilet, hoping no one can hear the commode splashing through the wall. Hoping he’s done before the Awards ceremony gets to the Best Actor slot. Hoping the farts won’t start to smell through his suit.

Beautiful people are not more beautiful than anyone else.

And everyone gets the shits.

Funny.