Deadly Whispers

God FUCKING DAMNIT.  Why do i have to be SUCH a girl.
This is why I HATE girls. Their passive-aggressive attention-hungry behavior where they pretend like nothing/everything is wrong, depending on which signs you’re looking for, hole up in a room and type frantically on the keyboard but refuse to talk to you about what’s wrong with them, simply let you know something is, because they want to be in your mind and instill a sense of helplessness simultaneously, that’s a GIRL. manipulative. self-serving. and so fucking…fake.

I hate that. i dont want it to be me. But yet. Here i am. Typing frantically and refusing to talk. My throat is killing me and my hands are so cold…I’m very, very fucked up right now.

I hate when I get into these self-destructive moods, when I just wanna swallow an entire 100 pill bottle of paracetamols (is there a bottle of paracetamols? whatever), take a swig of rum, reach out for a joint on the counter, and just fall over dead halfway there.

I want to cry in a bottle of beer. Silly me.

Whichever you prefer, slap on.

I want to be in a spaceship. In a box that is on a space ship. Going to Planet Moron. Population…= 1.

Im so bored. I  wish i wasnt bored right now. This is just bad.

Well alright then. Somehow it is already 2007.
Does someone push the fast-forward button on time as the years go by?

I had the most amusing new year’s evening…you know when you wake up and think, oh fuck, what the fuck did i do? but then you just have to laugh about it. My friends and i decided to continue the new year in style…we kept drinking and downed beer on her car to a friend’s house until we were about to puke…classy, huh? and then i ran into some old acquaintances which was most interesting. Hehe. I wasn’t able to take some pictures coz my cam phone ran out of battery. ggrr. Oh yeah, i ate alot of stuff , but that was the top thing.

Anyways, where might one find a hoola hoop? why? you ask, well, you see i plan on lighting it on fire and jumping through it for shits and giggles…practicing for the next new year’s bash. hehehe!

Oh good news: Im not crying anymore. *smiles*

So,that’s the update. I gotta sleep.

I’ve returned!

What a busy week. For starters, i can’t believe James Brown is already dead. I’m still in denial.

Christmas was good. It was so great to be with my family.

But really nice to have dated someone i like. How, when and where?..it’s a secret. Too bad he already left the area. The feeling has been awhile. I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, feeling great at work.. I felt so productive all day long..until i found out that he left…Im hurt. Well, i know he is leaving, but not today. I really thought he is leaving the next day.really. i swear. (though we bought his plane ticket together). This feeling is killing me. Its like a knife on my back twisting, turning and hurting beyond all reason. Ouchie oh wah-wah. I don’t feel good. I feel like garbage. Anyways, i will see him soon. I hope. Crap.

Maybe i have to ease up on beer. But wait, i love beer. Maybe on Pepsi. Its like I can’t live without Pepsi. But i have to live without it. Because they make me feel fuzzy and wavery, like I’m not really there, like I’m just a sliver of tv static walking around. Like that chick from the Ring? By the way… I think the makers of the Ring should sue the makers of the Grudge, because they took all those flashy Japanese cinematographical tricks and cloned them like a smudge of DNA off a toilet seat.

I should be a film critic.
Or a poet.
Or a fashion designer.
Or a rock star.

Err..confused.

Basically, this entry is a symbolic of a universal blandness. Today my life felt like plain oatmeal… healthy, practical, and fucking boring. It’s a taboo for reasons involving my feelings.

I cannot and will not be responsible for this feeling (eh?). so, no more burning cheeks, eyebrow liners, nervous laughs, lip gloss. Fucking oatmeal.

I hope you all had super cool holiday season, whatever you celebrate.

I just realized that no one is really "beautiful."

That coke is such a glamour drug.

Coke gives you the shits.

And everyone gets the shits.

Funny.

I have a bit of everything in this post… some pix.. and some bitchin.. so here it goes..

First off.. my yahoo email account was hacked.. which sucks because I have irreplacable pictures in there.. allow me to say if I have one more idiot say "change your password" I will fucking scream.. Trust me .. I am not so fucking stupid I wouldnt think to change my password (I also got this about friendster which is coming up).. however.. its kinda hard to change your email password (or any other for that matter) when the hackers changed your password. Oh.. and yes.. I did think to do that secret question thing, thank you.. however.. can you remember an answer you came up with over 5 years ago and have never once used????? didnt think so.. thanks.. but anyways.. thats just a rant.. I know folks were trying to be helpful but fuck.. how fucking stupid do you think I am?!

Next topic.. because they hacked my email they have unlimited access to my friendster profile I have had for over a year and a half.. probably going on 2 years actually.. See.. on here you cant change your email address unless you confirm it with the old address.. well.. the hackers havent been so willing to do so.. so.. that means they have unlimited access to whatever password i change it to at any time.. therefore they are using that profile to "phish" peoples info.. be careful that you check the url if you click on any links or are prompted to put in your user name and password from my page. people are fucknuts, aren’t they?

And for the pics…

I’d like to make an observation that has been on my mind today due to some comments made by a good friend over the phone. And i say this with no bitterness, just a sense of disappointment.

It seems to be true, at least in my world, that there are few people left who can really overcome their baggage and take any emotional risks. being cynical and unavailable seems to be synonymous with being hip. Being even innocently enthusiastic about trying out an actual relationship with someone who excites you is treated as a weakness… which original skinny jeans-wearing, black haired, headband-toting kid decided romance was passe? and why does everyone follow like mice after a piper? Im not suggesting we all run around like a bunch idiots,or try to get married to everyone we like, but what is so bad about being vulnerable to another person who obviously cares about you in return???

I have a friend who just experienced this mindset from an emotionally immature artist who put stars in the palm of her hand and then suddenly acted like it was disgusting the way they left burn marks on her perfect skin. i myself am single, and quite happy being so, but that is not to say i have not felt this same way before.

We all lose people at one point or another who we cant imagine living without. We do not all, however, get to meet alot of people who make us feel that way to begin with… i know for a fact there are alot of people i CAN live without. The thing is, if you are someone who has lost a love in the past and you are reading this, then….uhhmm….you are living without them. So, therefore you are able to recover, i assume? Personally i find it more of a weakness when someone tells me they are through with relationships and love altogether, as opposed to someone who can regenerate and give of themselves to the right cause with the fierceness of someone who has never been burned.

Today is a Tuesday, 1:35 pm. Things i hate at work:

Stop using the word ignorant, unless you mean ignorant. Why is this the latest catch phrase? Honestly, it bugs the shit out of me. This person in the office keeps on saying that word to one of my team mates. Linte sya.

Certain people grant me the opportunity to cry. I appreciate it, even though it makes me a little uncomfortable. But at work it was different, i was so fuckin pissed at the situation yesterday. My day at work didnt start right,and so it didnt even ended up right.. which is very unusual for me to deal with. Aaarrgghh. Am i like a big deal over here? Sweet.

I have no idea who the hell I am. Just when I think I’m on the road to "self discovery" something happens that totally throws me off track. I’m trying to set goals for myself, but I always seem to lose interest. I have so many interests, I don’t know where to go first. I have no idea what I want because I want it all. Does that make sense? Fuck no. I’m turning down opportunities because they don’t "feel right". Probably not the best way to go about doing things. I’m so scared that what I want, i won’t get, and I’ll end up being stuck in some 9 to 5 hell hole, returning damaged merchandise for some people. Oh yeah, I’m talking about employment now. Why can’t I just suck it up and follow my logic? Because i have been thinking these shits are all short term, though…i know its not but i used to think that it’s always the long term stuff that’s going to have a lasting effect.. Right?  Things are going nowhere. Beggars can’t be choosers, but my mind’s too thick to absorb that. I don’t seem to trust myself whatsoever, and I’m gonna get myself into big trouble. I know it. It’s time for the black sheep to do what she does best.

Oh well…it’s my day off! Yay!

Sorry I haven’t been around much.

Im not that sick as much as I’m fucked up from chicken pox!!! Yes kids, ckicken pox @26! Good thing i dont have much pox on mah face, there were only 4  of em(lol), but more on my back.ggrr. Been absent from work for almost 2 weeks now..well i dont want to go more into details where i got this virus..I don’t wanna end up whining too much about this shit.  I did take some meds/pills ,and even if i had a fever i still managed to rearange and clean my entire room but I had to stop every two minutes to lay down and stare blankly. I dont think i’ll take those tablets anymore.

So other than that my weekend still kicks ass. I went out and got some booze.

Right now im kinda hungry,what i have in my bag is junk food. MY beef for today: junk food that is advertised as "healthy". lol. Here i go again wanting to whine about this stuff again.

Anyways, what i have now is said to be "good for you", but if you look at the ingredients, they’re pumped full of sugar, fat, and preservatives. Granola bars are not healthy if they are packed with marshmallows, held together with corn syrup, and dunked in chocolate.  So many sugary cereals say, "7 essential nutrients" and "part of a complete breakfast" on the box, but the nutrients are far down on the list of ingredients, and just how big of a "part" are we talking about here? If something says "Natural", it’s just marketing. There’s nothing natural about processed food, smothered in oil and salt. It’s best to just ignore the advertising, and read the ingredients. ok kids? Im a marketing student, i was. So i would know. lol. Ok enough of this. 

Life is full of different tastes one cannot comprehend.
I am a pretty princess!

*Smiles*

For some reason I’m sitting here and just drifting into thought (having the time to do this again is such a delicious luxury to my hungry mind)! And that little universal phrase just cropped up in big flashing, neon colours. I’m not sure why. I can’t say I ever gave this "cliché" quote much thought before, but for some reason tonight it’s speaking to me in such crazy volumes.

You know what? I am soooo in a good mood, and so eternally grateful for what i have in my life at this point in time. I’m thankful that i’m able to say with honesty that I love all that I am and that I love my life.

I feel alive, Inspired, driven, divine…like I’ve solved some big mystery, like i’ve been given a few more pieces to this damn awkward puzzle of existence and i’m starting to make it all out now. You see, none of this is really that new. Infact, it’s so familiar. I was at this stage once before and was totally confident and happy with everything i had going for me…i knew exactly what I was doing, where i was going and I was in complete control. But then…i screwed it up! Because the last time I reached this point, this perfect zone..i got way too cocky and I lost it all. This time it’s going to be different. I know not to make the same mistakes again. I’m going to keep on progressing. Now I’m back on the track I belong I will keep on going forward. I will continue to walk this path. With eyes fixed firmly ahead, so full of this fire and burning intent. Time for me to look forward not behind. Because all of those who stay looking behind are then far too busy to see what is coming toward them. And that is when the opportunities are missed. Those are the people who loose their chances and end up going absolutely nowhere! Don’t get me wrong…it’s very important that we don’t forget the past (or we are doomed to repeat). But there is a big difference between remembering it and living in it! The past is not worth forfeiting the future. Lets face it, the past is full of some shit times, and even shittier people. We’ve all been there..and for some reason we still waste so much of our present letting all of those things wind us up and infect out minds. It’s such a tragic waste of our energy that we could be putting to such a better use.

The thorns of the past that once stabbed our sides are not worth us being afraid to smell the roses. I for one plan to enjoy every single moment as I watch my present bloom into something that will become a beautiful future.